By Aunt Hommy
It is cold. Nipples are hard. Machine guns are hard. Everyone is looking to have someone to warm them.
The men have come up with the best pick-up lines because of how cold it has been lately. They are thinking outside the legs. The men are willing to part with transport money just to have someone warm next to them.
Women are reaching out to people they already said no to because they can’t brave the cold. It is so cold that exs are receiving “how have you been” text messages. Lines have been crossed because it is cold.
But when the machine gun starts to drip. When the blankets are not warm enough. When the first, second, and third options are unavailable, do not be forced to reach out to that borderline just because of the weather.
Some nights have made your neighbour look like your next mistake. She has become the sexiest woman you have ever seen because the wind blows so hard, and the bed feels like an ice bed.
For the first time, you are going through the neighbourhood security WhatsApp group to look for numbers of all the women in the area that are online to chat with or seem lonely.
Most women are on standby on a cold night. The cold has made them believe they don’t deserve to be alone.
The on-demand women are going through the lineup of men who have wanted some and are sending random “Hi. How was your day?” texts to see if they are as cold as she is.
It is so cold that the devil you know seems like something not as bad as you thought. Baby daddies seem like a not-so-bad option on a cold night, yet they have not provided for their child in a long time.
Nipples are craving for a suck, and machine guns are craving for war. The rainy season is here. But before you sit on or slide into anything, make sure they know that the rain made you do it. It is matters of the weather and not of the heart.
As you send transport money, ensure you have enough rubber in the house because nine months are not as long as you think. And Sexually Transmitted Diseases are not a myth. Be careful.
Do not let that cold bed force you to text or call someone you pushed out of it. You have made strides to move on. It is a cold night, do not let it drag your heart into the mud again.
If sex must be had, don’t chase after the borderline that you know will become your biggest nightmare when the sun comes up again. Borderlines are the most sexual human beings, but they are crazy as hell.
Choose a woman who reads the terms and conditions of every promotion. Make them understand that these are matters of the cold and not lifetime decisions.
Choose a man who knows that it is cold. The main is off on a trip or works upcountry, and you are not looking for marriage.
Rainy sex is all about the warmth that comes with a good lay. So make sure the person you choose you can stand for the night and have something to talk about before it is lights out.
You can’t call someone over and then want them to leave after you have cum because there is absolutely nothing to talk about.
Also, make sure it is someone you can drop off in the morning without bullets and dogs getting involved.
If you can avoid New Money when it is cold, please do. The moment you cross over, you will be chewed.
Email:homelandnewspaper@gmail.com
